Wait

Standing back 

I give time 

To all that surrounds me 

This life

This breath 

This mind 

The universe within 

I give the greatest gift 

With patience and gratitude

I am swiftly humbled 

And carried away 

To rest my beaten feet 

To revive my tired heart 

To nurture this ever changing, never resting soul 

I will wait 

Behind the curtain 

For the countdown 

To reach its final minute

Second

Before unveiling 

What is meant for me

And what I am meant for

All at once 

I will stand 

Pale faced 

Whole hearted 

And ready 

Unveil me 

To a world

Where I share the same pillow

With the one who my soul belongs

To dream the same dream

To wake 

And wait 

For one another 

Until the perfect ache left behind becomes the fire within us that keeps one chasing the other 

If the best things are well worth waiting for 

I will surrender all of my time

I will give all of my patience 

I will wait 

For as long as I must 

I give the universe my trust 

Let me sleep 

Until I can be awakened 

From within 

Home

If I am being honest 

Right now, it is seemingly impossible to continue this way 

I cannot fight my intuition

It tells me to stop this bizarre behavior and focus

It says to remain idle for some time while the universe does its work 

I am only getting in the way with my self righteousness and stubbornness 

So I throw in the towel 

And sit 

Patiently

leaving fate and karma to do their worst 

So I can rise

And begin again

This time more flexible with my identity than ever 

This time willing to love unconditionally in all aspects 

This time 

Acknowledging my potential and never again allowing for the immaturity to surface in such a fascinatingly unpleasant way 

This time

To be more present

And beautiful

To be free 

But still 

In hopes 

That you will come for me 

When I have grown 

And you have known 

It is me 

That has been calling you home 

Dream

I feel a change within me that is begging for time

It is screaming for the fraction of patience I have left to give

So I will give it

This once

Not because I must

But I know that if I refuse

Like the many times I have refused before

That this never ending cycle will slowly wreak havoc on me

And this life

That is but a dream

From beginning to end

Tends to drain us of our magic by our reckless need to control the outcome of it

While also entering the dreams of others

And in turn

With the human need for instant gratification or emotional satisfaction or whatever it may be that motivates us in both good and bad ways

We somehow manage

To turn our dreams

And the dreams of others

In to nightmares

This is the message that I will take as the lesson from all it is I have come up against and have now put behind me

It is clear to me now that my hunger for true, genuine, soul awakening love will never settle

Even when I am beaten down and left to let all the love within me die

I do not

I can not

I am here for one thing

To write

But without love

There is no fire beneath my fingertips

There is no heat at my feet to keep me walking blindly through this dream

So without love

Who is it that I am?

What is it that I want?

No one.

Nothing.

You see, I need love

To crave and miss it and allow it to kill me if I have to

To feel it and to sometimes hate it

To allow it to motivate change and growth and in turn, power within me

I am going after it

I have given it all away

The bitterness of love left behind

All the brutal fucking heartache caused by those who have entered my dream

My beautiful, messy dream

And made sorry attempts to turn it in to a nightmare

But I ask of those who have hurt me and shaped me and taught me

To join me

Walk through the darkness that is keeping you beside misery

Leave it all behind

Give it all away

Let love simply return on its own

Live your dream in such a way that when it is all over

You can look back

And with little hesitation

You will force yourself back to sleep

Just to dream it all again

Surrender 

It is such a shame that we are so easily consumed with emotions

Clinging desperately to all the good we feel in hopes that now that we have this

Now that we have what seems like happiness and what feels like peace and pleasure

We grasp it

Ever so tightly

Never allowing it to teach us what it is meant to teach us in the moments of bliss

Instead

We hold it

We smother it

We wish so badly to feel the good for so long that perhaps it will detour the pain or reality itself from ever returning

But with time

We will find

That pleasure, peace and happiness all fade

It is sooner rather than later that we must accept that we will feel heartache again

No matter the circumstance

We will feel pain again

Even more so when life is seemingly perfect

Recently

I was under the illusion that my life was perfect

I was grasping tightly to new things that I knew deep within were not meant for me 

And when those things quickly came to pass

I was left empty handed and alone

I had done all the right things or so I thought

So why this

Why this pain and torture

Why the emotional suffering when I have paid my dues

What I have come to understand is that grasping and clinging is death within itself

Simply by becoming too attached to the idea of happiness or love is enough to chase it away all together

I know now that in order to allow it all to return

I must first give it all away

So take it

All of it

and of me

I surrender all that I am to the universe

My only request

Is that she be gentle with me

For I am getting stronger in my weakness

I am finding courage in my fear

I come alive in the death of it all

Waves 

It is oftentimes easier to walk away than to walk, with courage, blindly in to the fire

You, my love

Will never feel the remarkable heat of a heart fueled by genuine love

Because you are much too terrified of the burn

Within this

Lies our difference

And the ultimate reason of our parting ways

I remain

Relentlessly chasing your heat

Never fearing the blistering burn

But instead trusting

That you would never hurt me

While you

You are already so fast at work putting out my fire

So fast, that you have drowned my entire world

Now you have taken me and shaken me

And I will never understand why it is you have been so cruel to someone who wanted nothing more than to love you

I am left with never resting thoughts of how it is that you are so good at staying away while it feels as if I have been robbed of all the willpower in me

Now I am left with very little fire

Now I am left

With nothing left to give

To anyone but you

So take it

Take all of it

It has been yours all along

I am done fighting

Come what may

Return or do not

My world is now underwater

And I am slowly letting your waves crash on to me

I am slowly submerging myself

In your absence

In your distance

In your fear of fire

Put me out my love

Because I am still all in

Weight 

Free of disappointment and unspoken words

I am traveling now

Alongside the moon

It begs of me to follow it and to listen and mostly, to understand

It reminds me that there will always come a time when life feels too hard to bare

Too heavy to hold

Too much to let go

Much like a tired, fragile and broken hiker

These reminders are the very source of the weight that rests politely on my shoulders

Begging for me to keep marching forward, despite my brittle bones

Unapologetically draining my energy so that in turn

I will be scolded for not moving onward

I will feel empty for being stagnant

I will never get to where I am going carrying all of this with me

And so

I have lifted the broken hiker from my shoulders

I have put him down

And I kindly asked of him to find another to cling to

Find another to weigh down with the idea that tomorrow will come and prove to be a better day

Or that love exists in all the ways we wish and that we will one day receive it from all those who have simply stopped loving us

Or that all we know could stay if we did it all the right way or said all the right words or fucked in all the right ways

Find another, who is easily convinced that the weight we carry is normal and that this is just a part of having to make it

To the magic or bliss

To happiness and freedom

Whatever it is your after

Never let life or love convince you that you are meant to be carrying the weight of others around to prove yourself

Prove yourself by parting ways

Parting

Weighs less than you could ever imagine

Human

To understand the actual concept of living we must let go of life all together 

I am consumed with knowledge instead of the toxic air that fills the lungs of all those around me 

It is rare that I find someone that understand and wishes to dissect each moment, each feeling, each and every fraction of the experiences we share so blindly with one another 

To feel and to let go are the two vital things that keep my feet pumping at the ground

My knees become weak at the thought of being held back by anything at all 

I am strengthened within by altering my state of being 

To wake each day as if it is a new world, a new galaxy, a new universe 

The lectures, the talks, the information that is seemingly floating about before us is waiting to be grasped by hands that know exactly what to do with it 

I understand so much now 

About this life and this world and there are yet so many endless moments to be experienced and enjoyed and to be broken by 

To be unattached is not to be so restricted by fear 

It is not the fundamental nature to feel nothing because of our conditioned minds to believe that without pain there is happiness and without attachment there is freedom 

This is not the case

Freedom is understanding that these feelings, these emotions, the weight, the love and the hate, the good and the bad, our friends, families, loved ones, soul mates, ourselves… 

it is all in a never ending process of changing and in turn becoming impermanent 

This is why we must simply enjoy life without grasping it too tightly 

We must enjoy love without destroying it 

To be alive is to understand that each one of us 

Even those who have wronged us 

We are all human 

We are all typically consumed with finding happiness in such a way that we make it impossible to achieve it at all 

We are not looking at the big picture 

We are holding on tightly to all these fragments of images we once were a part of 

Trying to put together a better picture of the future with small pieces of our past 

While wondering why it is we are never happy 

Why it is we are always exhausted

Why it is we believe more of what we hear and less of what we feel 

Why it is that this picture we have been working on 

Tirelessly

On hands and knees

Just isn’t coming together the way we anticipated 

Well 

We cannot possibly make something new of something old

The need to repeat the same mistakes twice has become imbedded in our minds due to the longing to feel the same love again, the same happiness again, the same pleasure again

We neglect the very important point in growth

Which is that change, is good 

It is necessary 

This is why everything is not meant to be this way forever 

How boring and monotonous life would be if we never felt different capacities of love and pain and pleasure and all that haunts us and all that excites us 

This is what should make life beautiful 

But here again

In these conditioned minds of ours 

We accept that pain and the dark and the ugly are meant to be feared 

We surrender to the way of society and media 

We surrender our entire lives to understanding the meaning of it while simultaneously getting lost in all of the toxic information that is spoon fed to us 

While simultaneously neglecting the true meaning all together 

Let go 

We must let go 

Such a simple, simple thing 

Change your life 

Let all you know die if necessary 

Let it all go 

Vows 

Beginning today 

I promise to love you, in all the ways you have been longing for 

Put to bed, the fear of being lonesome for I am here to protect you and nurture you in all the ways that will fill the holes in your heart that have been foolishly put there by those who are not equipped to love a spirit as free as yours 

The weight is only heavy if you continue to hold it and starting today, this very minute, you can put it down

And walk away 

Let the past rest 

And walk with me 

Onward 

To a beautiful, awakened life 

Starting today, I promise to love you 

For better or for worse 

Through sickness and in health 

Starting today 

I am faithfully devoted 

Rightfully committed 

And eternally bound

To the moon within me 

There is no need for another anymore 

I understand and accept that this journey of mine is much too chaotic for the still hearts and silent mouths 

I am devoted 

To my higher being 

My inner guide 

My intuition