Homeless

In the growth 

Of my soul 

In the parting of worlds 

Between my past

And present 

I was able to witness 

How it came to be 

That I had allowed myself 

To fall in love 

With a coward 

Of love itself 

For so long

I searched for signs 

As to how it is 

That I ended up broken 

By the hands of cruel intent 

In time 

With the sifting of memories 

I reached a resting spot 

For my worries 

When I realized 

I too

Was a coward 

When becoming too fearful 

Of the voice of my intuition

When she exclaimed 

“Run as fast as you can my dear, here, there are only pretty pictures hanging in a place where no one is home.” 

Fear

I smile as I reflect on the days that have just ended. To be going through so much at once, to be laying bare on the center stage of life as it beats me brutally as all of them watch. The ones that have left me here. 

A past, almost lover was the catalyst to the beginning of a vicious cycle. Cancer the culprit to my underlying, almost surfacing anger. My loved ones, that I may lose in the glorified process of it all, the motivation. 

I am human, I remind myself. I too will feel as life is happening to me when I am aware that this is not the case. 

Life is not a random series of events that happen to unfold in this way or that way because you took this or that path. 

No. 

This is all a very strategic, organized and predetermined manifestation of all it is we have been drawing toward us, from within. 

Nothing happens by accident. Nothing. 

Every small part of ones day has a significant message but if one remains unaware, which most tend to, then life’s messages are never received. 

I have learned that to be aware you must first become awakened. 

And the journey, the road to awakening, is not one for the faint hearted. 

It comes without disguise as it surfaces through the rivers in your blood. 

It comes without surprise as it is born within the consciousness. 

It is easily seen but not easily felt. 

Overcoming fear by utilizing fear itself to benefit the mind and push the body forward is never mastered but can be achieved. 

I know this first hand for I have stared fear in the eyes while pounding my chest and raising my sword and said

“I am not through with you, feed me more poison, leave me starving for love and anything else I may long for desperately. Leave me empty of all it is I have believed would fulfill me. Allow all that has once kept me whole to break me. With weakened palms, I am making a warrior of brittle bones. So give me time and patience but do not leave me without fear. Do not take it easy on me.”

Nudge 

I am seemingly uninterested in the way the universe is making attempts to distract me

I acknowledge that the news of three of my loved ones being diagnosed with cancer only weeks apart, is a test 

You see, I am completely aware of my request 

I have not forgotten that within my previous heartache, I asked for more 

Within the sadness of losing a familiar lover, I begged for more sadness 

I know that I have not finished growing in this phase 

It is far from over and I have miles to go 

And though I have sobbed heavy tears of sadness 

I am awakened in the moments I am able to feel pain 

In the back of my mind 

I say to myself 

Cry

Let the tears be free 

So that one day 

When you too 

Are free 

You will know 

How exceptionally worth it 

It is

To be courageous 

To be kind 

To laugh through the tears 

With the nudge of the universe 

At your back

Pushing you 

By her unfolding

Toward all that has been

Waiting for you 

“Are you strong enough?”

She says 

“Are you as ready as you say

To march with a hint of madness

In your soul 

To the other side 

If so 

Then you will follow me 

In to the darkness before you 

Because now you understand 

The sacrifice of the heart 

When calling to me 

I am here to remind you 

That you are not in control 

So let it all go 

The waves of sadness 

Can be settled 

By the stillness within you 

I am here

To guide you there 

So be sad

My darling 

But also

Be aware”

Space

Wherever it is you may be

In the depths

Of all it is you are becoming 

I would like for you to know

That I am too 

Becoming 

One 

With the space

Between where we were 

And where we are now

I hope you too 

See the beautiful emptiness 

Of the space between 

Two souls 

That are destined 

To feel the absence 

Between how it is

And how it seems

So we may see

That the space between 

Will never be quite enough

To resist the force 

Of what is meant to be 

Birth

Even in the midst 

Of all of this darkness 

I sense only light ahead 

I see only happiness before me 

I can vividly imagine 

The birth of miracles 

But first 

I must get through this transition

Leaving behind 

Not one single shred of evidence 

That I was once

The servant to the ego 

To the evil and cruel 

I leave it all 

At the doorstep 

Of my past 

And turn around 

Without any baggage at all 

To travel passionately 

Toward the birth

Of miracles 

Toward the rebirth 

Of me 

Worry 

I remain unshaken in the face of worry 

Fall at my feet 

The way I have fallen at yours many times before now 

Now 

That I know 

How useless you are 

Worry, oh worry 

I keep you at bay 

You do not phase me 

With your toxic presence 

You cannot poison 

The veins of a poet 

I will show you 

That vulnerability 

Is my creator 

I am far from afraid 

I do not tremble 

At the thought of loss or death 

For I am aware

And awakened 

By the beautiful reality 

Of life’s unfolding

I trust the universe 

To not give me the easy way out 

But give me the way that is intended 

To make me 

More aware

More authentic 

More in tune 

Lead me down the path 

Of the humble and extraordinary 

Give me 

Fright 

Insecurity 

Lonesomeness 

Heartbreak 

Worry 

And I will keep

Making poetry of it all 

Sea

I am sitting 

Beside myself 

I watch 

As I drift

Deep in to a realm 

Of limitlessness 

I become a woman 

Sitting at the edge of the sea 

Watching as the waves roll in 

One on top of the other 

I am able to feel 

The waves 

Of my mind 

Become one 

With the ones of the sea

Now I am able 

To be the witness

The observer 

Of all of the many thoughts 

That roll in 

Like a tide 

Inching closer to me 

But 

I am now 

The woman at the edge of the sea 

Untouched 

By thoughts 

And memories 

Reinvention 

Reinvention is not the process of leaving behind the heartache of the past 

Instead it is to be courageous in the face of it and say 

Give me more 

Bring to me 

The pain and suffering 

The weight of disappointment 

Frighten me 

In such a way 

That in the moments of loneliness 

I am able to tell the difference 

Between who I am 

And who I used to be 

When you do this 

You become a warrior 

Without any fear at all 

Of all the necessary brutality 

That it takes 

To live and to love freely 

Align 

I am now 

Using the energy within

To pull toward me 

And attract

All it is 

That is meant for me 

Now in this moment 

I feel prepared 

To be inundated 

By the sense of alignment

In the stars 

Calling to the galaxies 

Becoming one with the universe 

I call to all 

That has been coming my way 

Be free now 

For I am free 

As one can be 

Waiting 

Patiently 

For all that has long been mine 

Before I was able to understand

That waiting 

Does not mean 

Torturing yourself with wishful thinking for the one who you recognized as something 

When in fact 

There is nothing 

Or that loving 

Has to become a devastation in the end 

When in fact 

It is the most rare and profound experience that two souls can share

And now I see 

All that has become a memory

Has done so for good reason 

So I part ways 

With the fragments of the past

That have been floating about 

In my universe

Making space 

For all the things 

I am now attracting 

Like wolves howls 

Caressing the moonlight

I call to the light 

Dance upon my darkness 

Show me

What it is 

I have been missing 

Show me 

All I need to see 

Seeds

Dig as deep as you must

With those eager hands 

Bury me 

Far underneath 

All of the toxic soil 

In your mind 

That you keep 

Safely tucked away 

So no one will ever truly know 

How much you may be hurting 

Soon you will come to find 

The further beneath it all 

You place me 

I will grow 

High and mighty

Like a seed 

Flourishing 

By the nourishment 

Of the toxicity within you 

That I am now able to see

As I surface 

Above it all

Like a weed

Entangled in your thoughts 

The ones you try desperately 

To ignore

And yet you wonder 

Why no one feels right 

But me 

Can it be 

That we are like two seeds

Planted underneath 

Waiting patiently 

For time 

And for fate

To agree