The night that changed me 


It began in such perfect fashion that I could hardly believe my own eyes once arriving at my destination on a somewhat cold and almost dreary Wednesday evening 
Upon my arrival, I stepped out to witness the most beautiful purple sunset that I had ever seen 

You don’t see these kinds of things in the states, especially where I’m from

The East coast tends to pale in comparison to most other places, even within the same country

Anyways, I watched in admiration for a few moments and thought to myself that I better capture this magnificent sky before me because this has to be a wonderful indication of how the night would continue

And I was right 

Behind me followed the group of seven, that I would come to grow very close with over the next 10 to 12 hours, they also wished to capture such a beautiful moment which would’ve otherwise likely quickly passed and gone unnoticed 

Thereafter came our introduction, nervous and anxious and near fear doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of all that I felt at this time

There were eleven of us total, the facilitator and his partner, a trained shaman with more than 25 years of knowledge and wisdom, and eight of us, first timers ready to embark upon what some may consider the most remarkable of all spiritual journeys 

A sense of closeness and overall understanding and familiarity seemingly washed over all of us just knowing we had been brought together at this time for a very specific yet different reason 

It’s hard not to relate and feel immediate love between souls that have the courage to be where we were and to follow the calling that has likely been after us for some time

We all quickly began to laugh and share stories with one another about why we felt we were here and how we came to know about such a mysterious medicine

The story behind my knowledge of ayahuasca is already one that is sometimes, not difficult but somewhat emotional for me to tell for it involves love and heartache and truly a lot of the reason I was in this very position in the first place 

It seemed that a lot of us had been introduced to mother Aya by someone that held a lot of importance to us in our journey and instantly I felt as if this was the beginning to something much bigger than any of us were able to understand at the time 

Anyways, once we got to know one another we listened to the facilitator and his partner tell the story of how and why they came to open this wonderful retreat and offer such a powerful medicine to the public, we then listened to Brusyah, the shaman who had been part of the retreat since they opened years ago and he spoke of his studies in Peru and many other places I can only dream of visiting one day 

I knew whole heartedly that these people that were around me were specifically meant to be here by my side, this was no accident and I felt with certainty that I had found my place and it felt more than perfect to just be 

For roughly an hour or so we followed Brusyah through guided meditation and concepts of shamanic breathing techniques, this was followed by a Kambo cleanse

For those unfamiliar with Kambo, it is frog poison that is used as a cleanser of toxins in your body, meaning it quite literally forces all toxins out, meaning I got sick, as hell 

For roughly 15 minutes I felt as if I may die, my stomach was in knots like never before, the worst stomach flu I had ever had was a cake walk in comparison 

Sweating, vomiting relentlessly, my heart was pounding so heavily I thought it would escape my chest, it was borderline torture for someone who has a phobia of throwing up or just being sick in general 

Nevertheless, this quickly came to pass (thank heavens) and I felt weightless while still uneasy 

We had some time to relax and hydrate and just sort of take everything in before things really took off 

We were all in one space with tiny beds, maybe six feet apart from one another in a circle with our shaman and facilitators in the center of the room, setting things up for the long journey ahead 

Beside me was Iris, a girl my age who had a very similar story to mine and ironically enough was introduced to plant medicine through a past love, much like I was 

We instantly exchanged memories of our childhood and we shared thoughts on what may happen to us on this night and what we hoped the outcome may be

We began to cry to one another and we hugged for what felt like an eternity, I knew at this moment that these souls in this room were so much like me that it became clear to me that one of the first things I needed to do in this life after returning home is to follow my path wholeheartedly to draw toward me more like minded souls 

Anyways, on the other side of me was a older gentlemen named Stephan, a military vet and a single father, he spoke of his childhood and how his upbringing was far from normal or easy and how this led to him joining the Army because he knew it was his only way out 

He told stories I wouldn’t dare repeat to anyone but let’s just say that after his journey with Mother Aya he came back entirely different than he was just hours before when I had met him, this is the power of plant medicine 

Moving on, after some time and after everyone had their time with the Kambo, we were all herded back in to our places for the night and sat patiently and listened to our shaman as he told the story of his first time with Mother Aya 

He made it abundantly clear that the next few hours would be intense and very different for each of us there 

He repeated over and over that we needed to come for our serving only when we felt sure of our intention 

Having done vast amounts of research before ever even mustering enough courage to go through with this journey, I already knew and came with a sure understanding of the fact that my intention needed to be clear and certain 

With that said, I was the first one to go up for my serving 

I feel that I knew deep within that no matter where or when or why I would partake in this journey, I would be the first one to go forth 

So I did, with very little hesitation 

What I will say is that no amount of research or preparation will actually ever prepare you for what you may or may not endure after having drank ayahuasca 

Let me also say that drinking ayahuasca is awful, the taste, the smell, the consistency, all of it is just down right disgusting 

Nevertheless, I sat before my shaman, I spoke my intention in to the small cup in my hands and I tipped it back while I had the courage 

I got up and made my way back to my place and watched as the others took their turn one by one 

A while passed and I started to become restless so I got permission to wander back outside for a while 

I didn’t stray far from everyone but I felt as though I needed a moment, while still present in this realm, to reflect on all that brought me here 

One small bit of information that proves to be ironic is that earlier in the day, I had received a message from the person responsible for my knowledge on ayahuasca and I smiled while sitting outside thinking of the many ways the universe always provides solid indication that you are exactly where you are meant to be, this was definitely one of those times 

Anyways, my legs started to slowly give way and I could tell that perhaps my journey would soon start so I made my way back to my bed to lay down 

I could tell by looking at the others on my way back in that they too would soon be taken away and they all smiled as I walked passed, slightly because I could hardly walk but slightly because we all knew what would soon happen 

No sooner than finding my way back to my spot did I feel this intense rush of nausea 

Being that I didn’t have much left in my system from the Kambo cleanse, I spent what felt like an eternity with my face in a bucket just begging for anything to come out and instead I just gagged and became frustrated and fearful and upset that I was already off to such a rough start while some of the others were well on their way to what seemed like a beautiful journey 

Brusyah came to me and he put one hand on the back of my neck and placed the other in my right hand and he squeezed it tightly while chanting, initially this made me feel more sick because I generally do not favor anyone around me when I’m feeling ill so this was instantly unsettling 

Nevertheless I just sat there, dying, he paused for a few moments and gave me silence, he then kept whipsering “let go, let go, let go” over and over and after a while I did, I let go of the fear and the worry that was making me inevitably sick and I laid back on my pillow and he sort of motioned his arms all around and above me, cleansing the air around me and no sooner than he walked away did I begin to see the most beautiful sights I have ever seen 

Colors and lights and visions of patterns began to appear inside my consciousness 

It’s still hard to put in to words but either way, all I know is that I was both here and in another place for some time before leaving this physical plane in its entirety 

I felt as though maybe I followed these patterns, like a map, in to another world where suddenly I saw the most beautiful eyes before me 

They were mesmerizing and I could only relate them to the very eyes of my best friend, whom by the way is one of the beautiful souls you could ever meet, I stared blankly for a while with confusion in to these eyes because I was convinced that my friend was there with me in this other dimension 

I somehow knew that I wasn’t here anymore but I also felt as though maybe I had died in my sleep and fallen in to the afterlife and somehow she was there with me 

Nothing made sense and after some time I simply stopped trying to make sense of it at all

A voice suddenly emerged and she said, “will you let go of all that you think you are and allow me to show you the way to whom you have always been?” I nodded

I couldn’t speak or even move I felt paralyzed in this weird place that still made no sense to me 

I began to see and speak to beings that were not human, I still have no idea exactly what or who they were but nothing I had ever seen on this planet before, yet I still followed fearlessly and came to a vision of where I was laying lifeless in a home surrounded by my loved ones and a few strangers, I assume these are people I have yet to meet in this realm 

I knew this was death and I knew that my life was over and I was almost certain that this was all real for I had already been traveling behind this voice for what seemed like 100 years

Interestingly enough, this was the first of three times where I would see myself lifeless over the course of my journey with Mother Aya 

I will skip the many, many other visions I had and just say that I saw things that actually happened to me before, without the shades of grey and there were times where I was (according to the others) screaming and crying and laughing all within minutes and I remember being afraid to the point where I actually began to harm myself as an attempt to bring myself back to reality 

Ayahuasca showed me that I am far more fearless than I ever was aware of, it showed me all of the love I have ever received and that is still all around me in great abundance, it showed me that even though I have oftentimes confused love with lust that I am worthy of all I am after and now thanks to Mother Aya I am well on my way to it all 

I understand that my journey is far more than a path to awakening or enlightenment and it is more so a journey that I am meant to to share with others so they too, can find themselves and their own light 

I am more aware now than I have ever been and I am in total admiration of all that I have experienced in this life and all of the others 

I thank the shaman and the facilitators of the beautiful retreat I was able to visit while overseas, they are the sole reason so many of us have found our purpose and our overall sense of being and I couldn’t be more humbled and grateful 

I thank the group of people that surrounded me that also were courageous enough to embark upon this journey and I feel with certainty that we all came out of this reborn and forever changed 

I hope for anyone who has even slightly considered drinking the jungle that they are able to fulfil this calling for there is a very personal and particular reason you may be being called to Mother Aya 

None of this is ever an accident and all that you experience here or in any other form of life is all a part of something much larger than any of us will ever be able to comprehend 

Within this lies the beauty in all the mystery that surrounds us 

And within that lies the reasoning behind the curiosity you should never try to ignore 

Feed your hunger for knowledge 

Satisfy your thirst for self discovery 

In whatever way, through plant medicine or meditation or whatever it is that calls to you, listen 

Always, always listen to all that calls to you 

You never know the way you may evolve from answering the call from within 

Stay true, stay happy, stay compassionate and grounded 

But must importantly, stay free 

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2 thoughts on “The night that changed me 

  1. I am dreaming of one day to be able to go through this…and I know I will also be met by the most beautiful eyes…Thank you for this great story, I feel every word, every thought, written and not and it really is an amazing experience, as is the gift of life! Much love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your lovely comment! I hope that you also get to experience this one day, it is truly unlike anything else in this world. Feel free to contact me anytime of you have any questions or wish to simply talk about this further ❤ much love and good vibes!

      Liked by 1 person

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