Need

Come to me 

If you know what it is 

To love freely 

Without boundaries 

Stay with me 

If you understand 

The way the road is forever winding 

When being as free as I am 

Come my way 

If you are fearless 

Of fear itself 

Come to me 

If you know 

That love 

Is not to love me 

But to first love yourself 

So much so 

That it keeps a spirit

Like mine 

Motivated 

And captivated 

To keep loving from within

Until I can no longer do without

The touch 

The fire 

The weightlessness 

Of a love 

Much like yours 

That has taught me 

That loving 

Does not always come 

In the way in which we hope

But rather 

In the exact way 

We need 

The night that changed me 


It began in such perfect fashion that I could hardly believe my own eyes once arriving at my destination on a somewhat cold and almost dreary Wednesday evening 
Upon my arrival, I stepped out to witness the most beautiful purple sunset that I had ever seen 

You don’t see these kinds of things in the states, especially where I’m from

The East coast tends to pale in comparison to most other places, even within the same country

Anyways, I watched in admiration for a few moments and thought to myself that I better capture this magnificent sky before me because this has to be a wonderful indication of how the night would continue

And I was right 

Behind me followed the group of seven, that I would come to grow very close with over the next 10 to 12 hours, they also wished to capture such a beautiful moment which would’ve otherwise likely quickly passed and gone unnoticed 

Thereafter came our introduction, nervous and anxious and near fear doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of all that I felt at this time

There were eleven of us total, the facilitator and his partner, a trained shaman with more than 25 years of knowledge and wisdom, and eight of us, first timers ready to embark upon what some may consider the most remarkable of all spiritual journeys 

A sense of closeness and overall understanding and familiarity seemingly washed over all of us just knowing we had been brought together at this time for a very specific yet different reason 

It’s hard not to relate and feel immediate love between souls that have the courage to be where we were and to follow the calling that has likely been after us for some time

We all quickly began to laugh and share stories with one another about why we felt we were here and how we came to know about such a mysterious medicine

The story behind my knowledge of ayahuasca is already one that is sometimes, not difficult but somewhat emotional for me to tell for it involves love and heartache and truly a lot of the reason I was in this very position in the first place 

It seemed that a lot of us had been introduced to mother Aya by someone that held a lot of importance to us in our journey and instantly I felt as if this was the beginning to something much bigger than any of us were able to understand at the time 

Anyways, once we got to know one another we listened to the facilitator and his partner tell the story of how and why they came to open this wonderful retreat and offer such a powerful medicine to the public, we then listened to Brusyah, the shaman who had been part of the retreat since they opened years ago and he spoke of his studies in Peru and many other places I can only dream of visiting one day 

I knew whole heartedly that these people that were around me were specifically meant to be here by my side, this was no accident and I felt with certainty that I had found my place and it felt more than perfect to just be 

For roughly an hour or so we followed Brusyah through guided meditation and concepts of shamanic breathing techniques, this was followed by a Kambo cleanse

For those unfamiliar with Kambo, it is frog poison that is used as a cleanser of toxins in your body, meaning it quite literally forces all toxins out, meaning I got sick, as hell 

For roughly 15 minutes I felt as if I may die, my stomach was in knots like never before, the worst stomach flu I had ever had was a cake walk in comparison 

Sweating, vomiting relentlessly, my heart was pounding so heavily I thought it would escape my chest, it was borderline torture for someone who has a phobia of throwing up or just being sick in general 

Nevertheless, this quickly came to pass (thank heavens) and I felt weightless while still uneasy 

We had some time to relax and hydrate and just sort of take everything in before things really took off 

We were all in one space with tiny beds, maybe six feet apart from one another in a circle with our shaman and facilitators in the center of the room, setting things up for the long journey ahead 

Beside me was Iris, a girl my age who had a very similar story to mine and ironically enough was introduced to plant medicine through a past love, much like I was 

We instantly exchanged memories of our childhood and we shared thoughts on what may happen to us on this night and what we hoped the outcome may be

We began to cry to one another and we hugged for what felt like an eternity, I knew at this moment that these souls in this room were so much like me that it became clear to me that one of the first things I needed to do in this life after returning home is to follow my path wholeheartedly to draw toward me more like minded souls 

Anyways, on the other side of me was a older gentlemen named Stephan, a military vet and a single father, he spoke of his childhood and how his upbringing was far from normal or easy and how this led to him joining the Army because he knew it was his only way out 

He told stories I wouldn’t dare repeat to anyone but let’s just say that after his journey with Mother Aya he came back entirely different than he was just hours before when I had met him, this is the power of plant medicine 

Moving on, after some time and after everyone had their time with the Kambo, we were all herded back in to our places for the night and sat patiently and listened to our shaman as he told the story of his first time with Mother Aya 

He made it abundantly clear that the next few hours would be intense and very different for each of us there 

He repeated over and over that we needed to come for our serving only when we felt sure of our intention 

Having done vast amounts of research before ever even mustering enough courage to go through with this journey, I already knew and came with a sure understanding of the fact that my intention needed to be clear and certain 

With that said, I was the first one to go up for my serving 

I feel that I knew deep within that no matter where or when or why I would partake in this journey, I would be the first one to go forth 

So I did, with very little hesitation 

What I will say is that no amount of research or preparation will actually ever prepare you for what you may or may not endure after having drank ayahuasca 

Let me also say that drinking ayahuasca is awful, the taste, the smell, the consistency, all of it is just down right disgusting 

Nevertheless, I sat before my shaman, I spoke my intention in to the small cup in my hands and I tipped it back while I had the courage 

I got up and made my way back to my place and watched as the others took their turn one by one 

A while passed and I started to become restless so I got permission to wander back outside for a while 

I didn’t stray far from everyone but I felt as though I needed a moment, while still present in this realm, to reflect on all that brought me here 

One small bit of information that proves to be ironic is that earlier in the day, I had received a message from the person responsible for my knowledge on ayahuasca and I smiled while sitting outside thinking of the many ways the universe always provides solid indication that you are exactly where you are meant to be, this was definitely one of those times 

Anyways, my legs started to slowly give way and I could tell that perhaps my journey would soon start so I made my way back to my bed to lay down 

I could tell by looking at the others on my way back in that they too would soon be taken away and they all smiled as I walked passed, slightly because I could hardly walk but slightly because we all knew what would soon happen 

No sooner than finding my way back to my spot did I feel this intense rush of nausea 

Being that I didn’t have much left in my system from the Kambo cleanse, I spent what felt like an eternity with my face in a bucket just begging for anything to come out and instead I just gagged and became frustrated and fearful and upset that I was already off to such a rough start while some of the others were well on their way to what seemed like a beautiful journey 

Brusyah came to me and he put one hand on the back of my neck and placed the other in my right hand and he squeezed it tightly while chanting, initially this made me feel more sick because I generally do not favor anyone around me when I’m feeling ill so this was instantly unsettling 

Nevertheless I just sat there, dying, he paused for a few moments and gave me silence, he then kept whipsering “let go, let go, let go” over and over and after a while I did, I let go of the fear and the worry that was making me inevitably sick and I laid back on my pillow and he sort of motioned his arms all around and above me, cleansing the air around me and no sooner than he walked away did I begin to see the most beautiful sights I have ever seen 

Colors and lights and visions of patterns began to appear inside my consciousness 

It’s still hard to put in to words but either way, all I know is that I was both here and in another place for some time before leaving this physical plane in its entirety 

I felt as though maybe I followed these patterns, like a map, in to another world where suddenly I saw the most beautiful eyes before me 

They were mesmerizing and I could only relate them to the very eyes of my best friend, whom by the way is one of the beautiful souls you could ever meet, I stared blankly for a while with confusion in to these eyes because I was convinced that my friend was there with me in this other dimension 

I somehow knew that I wasn’t here anymore but I also felt as though maybe I had died in my sleep and fallen in to the afterlife and somehow she was there with me 

Nothing made sense and after some time I simply stopped trying to make sense of it at all

A voice suddenly emerged and she said, “will you let go of all that you think you are and allow me to show you the way to whom you have always been?” I nodded

I couldn’t speak or even move I felt paralyzed in this weird place that still made no sense to me 

I began to see and speak to beings that were not human, I still have no idea exactly what or who they were but nothing I had ever seen on this planet before, yet I still followed fearlessly and came to a vision of where I was laying lifeless in a home surrounded by my loved ones and a few strangers, I assume these are people I have yet to meet in this realm 

I knew this was death and I knew that my life was over and I was almost certain that this was all real for I had already been traveling behind this voice for what seemed like 100 years

Interestingly enough, this was the first of three times where I would see myself lifeless over the course of my journey with Mother Aya 

I will skip the many, many other visions I had and just say that I saw things that actually happened to me before, without the shades of grey and there were times where I was (according to the others) screaming and crying and laughing all within minutes and I remember being afraid to the point where I actually began to harm myself as an attempt to bring myself back to reality 

Ayahuasca showed me that I am far more fearless than I ever was aware of, it showed me all of the love I have ever received and that is still all around me in great abundance, it showed me that even though I have oftentimes confused love with lust that I am worthy of all I am after and now thanks to Mother Aya I am well on my way to it all 

I understand that my journey is far more than a path to awakening or enlightenment and it is more so a journey that I am meant to to share with others so they too, can find themselves and their own light 

I am more aware now than I have ever been and I am in total admiration of all that I have experienced in this life and all of the others 

I thank the shaman and the facilitators of the beautiful retreat I was able to visit while overseas, they are the sole reason so many of us have found our purpose and our overall sense of being and I couldn’t be more humbled and grateful 

I thank the group of people that surrounded me that also were courageous enough to embark upon this journey and I feel with certainty that we all came out of this reborn and forever changed 

I hope for anyone who has even slightly considered drinking the jungle that they are able to fulfil this calling for there is a very personal and particular reason you may be being called to Mother Aya 

None of this is ever an accident and all that you experience here or in any other form of life is all a part of something much larger than any of us will ever be able to comprehend 

Within this lies the beauty in all the mystery that surrounds us 

And within that lies the reasoning behind the curiosity you should never try to ignore 

Feed your hunger for knowledge 

Satisfy your thirst for self discovery 

In whatever way, through plant medicine or meditation or whatever it is that calls to you, listen 

Always, always listen to all that calls to you 

You never know the way you may evolve from answering the call from within 

Stay true, stay happy, stay compassionate and grounded 

But must importantly, stay free 

Live

I am prepared now 

To live 

And to move 

In all of the directions 

That I never wanted to travel 

Because now I know 

That comfort zones 

Are really the only thing

That restrict my growth 

So now 

I am prepared 

To make extraordinary leaps 

To all of the places I once feared 

Because I know 

That fear 

Is the comfort zone

Of the ego 

And the ego 

Will never rule in favor 

Of the many things I want the most 

So I let go 

To be free 

Of the conditions 

That I once believed 

Were the circumstances 

To my experiences here 

I let go of all the things 

I have ever held on to 

I am ready to live 

I am already free

I ask this life to take me 

To exactly where I am meant to be 

Me

Learning to love myself has been the hardest part of this spiritual awakening 

Not because I feel unworthy or because I feel that I’m lacking in any aspect 

But because I have been so incredibly hard on myself for loving those who have selfishly been taking from me and I have selflessly been giving to

Or because my kindness keeps me anchored in places where I should be drifting from 

Or because I have questioned too many of my choices and in turn have been beating myself brutally with feelings of disappointment and emptiness for what I have allowed myself to endure all the while knowing the places I am meant to leave 

I once created monsters out of those who refused to let me go because in hindsight there was a sense of fear that I would not feel loved once left alone

I once became consumed with unspoken resentment for those who kept taking from me when it was me that kept giving when I knew I shouldn’t have

Things are so much different now and even though letting go comes with ease now it still leaves behind a familiar taste of bittersweetness 

What most fail to realize is that this spiritual journey does not force me to have compassion or gratitude 

It does not force me or automatically change me to be kind and loving to all 

But what it has done is change me in a way that allows me to see that no matter who comes and goes, it is my responsibility to be true to who I am and in turn be happier than I have ever been 

With this comes the kindness and the gentle understanding and the compassion that is required to live a beautiful, free and limitless life 

I am kind to others because I am first kind to myself 

I am happy now because I am detached from any and all things that have somehow managed to rely solely on me to provide happiness when they are the ones that fail to find it within themselves 

I am effortlessly free because I no longer hang on to the words, emotions or opinions of others because I understand now how much this is merely a projection of their own perspective and only they can choose to want to evolve to a higher level of understanding 

I am awakened because I acknowledge that I have spent most of this life sleeping through it, hardly touched or moved by anything substantial 

I am finally on the way to who I knew I have always been and I refuse to go back to who I was 

And I can already see how this will impact me and those around me for most of them are in my way 

This doesn’t mean I am hateful or I am filled with negativity 

This simply means I love those who have shackled me to the person they wanted me to be even more so than I ever have before 

Because by doing so they have brought me here

To the other side

Where I now can see all I must do 

To continue onward on this path of self discovery

Hand in hand

With all of the love I now have for myself 

Hand in hand 

With my consciousness 

Hand in hand 

With only me 
 

Awakened 

Mother Aya 

Words will never be able to describe the amount of joy and gratitude that fills my body and soul at this moment 

I am so understanding of all that has been and all that will ever be 

I am aware that I am the creator of my own reality and that staying true to who I am is the most important and vital decision I may ever make in this life 

I know that staying true to who I am will take risks and loss and sometimes pain but that the outcome will only be happiness through compassion for any and all things and beings around me 

I thank you more than anything for showing me that I have been clinging to the coat tails of my ego for most of this life and now that the ego has receded, I am able to love freely and whole heartedly and be selfless in the process

I understand those that have caused me pain for they were also in pain

I understand those who left because they had to also find themselves 

I understand the darkness I once lived in for you have brought me to the light 

I am aware of all the love I have ever received because I feel it in great abundance at this very moment 

I cry as I type these words because I am awakened by your touch and your gentle way of guiding me through all I have ever been fearful of 

My heart is soft and my bones are weightless 

I feel this life is perfect in its exact form 

I understand that letting go never has to be painful or feared because those who want to be here with me will do so and those who do not will drift away and fall in to their own place 

Thank you Mother Aya 

For showing me everything I feared and everything I love and all that lies in between 

I feel filled with clarity 

I feel my consciousness guiding me forward 

I feel you within me and I will continue to hold on to all you have taught me here 

Thank you 

For giving me the life I have always wanted 

I am finally free 

Sand 

the idea 

of moving onward

inches closer 

and I am almost able to feel 

what it might be like 

to let go 

of all that never held on 

in the first place 

the tide of all you are 

inches closer 

and for the first time 

in a torturous while 

my feet are beating against the grains of sand 

of the hourglass

that has shattered before us 

is our time of pretending over 

or is reality just beginning 

either way 

I would like for you to know 

that maybe 

and almost 

must be words 

specifically designed 

to represent 

a love 

like this 

one that is authentic 

rare

and true 

but not enough

for me 

while somehow 

good enough 

for you 

I suppose 

this will always be 

real 

while unrealistic 

I suppose 

I will always be 

here 

but never there 

I suppose 

I will always 

have hourglass sand 

between my toes 

wasting time 

by walking away 

when all I really want 

is nothing

but to stay 

day 1 

I ask of you to take me 

To the depth of the places that house my fear, my ego, my unwillingness to release control 

I ask of you to bring me 

To the places I am most uncomfortable so I can stretch outwardly beyond the boundaries that are keeping me from growth 

I ask you to not take it easy on this mind, body or soul 

Force me to release any and all things not serving, extract from me with force all that I am holding on to that I should now let go of 

I beg of you to change me 

With brutal force and rude awakenings 

And I promise with all that I am now and all that I will come to be 

That I will go forth with courage 

I will go forth through this journey hand in hand with you because I know that you will guide me through brutal hell but only to ensure I see all within me that has been created and nurtured by fear 

All within me that I should be without 

Show me the time I dread most on each clock 

Show me the places where I have lost fractions of my soul throughout this life or any other 

Show me the faces that have caused me harm so I know who to make a stranger of 

I go onward now 

To take you

To allow you in 

So you can force out 

All that I cannot see 

That I should go without 

Mother Aya 

Will you come 

And embrace me 

Become the cocoon 

That initiates my metamorphosis 

So I am able to break free 

Of the way I have been conditioned to be 

Change me 

In every way possible 

I am ready 

To be reborn 

Follow

If you follow me 

You will see the many ways this life can be cold and cruel and you will find that in the cruelty of the frozen path comes appreciation for the ones touched by the warmth of the sun 

If you follow me 

You will come to meet your fears and you will see how long you have gone being fearful of things that hold such little weight 

If you follow me 

You will spend some time in silent admiration of all the ways this life has conditioned you to believe that you are someone you are not 

If you follow me 

You will come to know your true self  while bareboned so that your soul can dress you properly for your purpose here 

If you follow me 

You will learn compassion and gratitude toward all things and beings and in turn you will feel more joy and love than ever before 

If you follow me 

And allow me the honor

Of guiding you to your true sense of being

Through silence and stillness 

Through solitude 

Through sprinting out of your comfort zone 

You will see 

That if you follow me 

You will rid yourself 

Of a heavy heart and stubborn bones 

If you follow me

I will bring you to the place 

You will know as home 

Storm

Can you tell 

That I have been rapidly evolving 

No longer chasing after ghosts and shadows 

No longer accepting less than what I am after 

No longer confused about all it is that I desire 

No longer fearful of the very storms that are watering the once toxic soil I was sprouting from 

I am here and now 

I am present in each moment 

I am filled with love and compassion  for everyone 

Even those who have harmed me 

I understand now that this is my journey 

It is not meant to be understood by everyone 

It is not meant to be appreciated by all 

This is how the herd thins 

When selecting a tribe 

Come to me I say 

Come to me if you are brave 

If you bathe in the blood of all of those you’ve left behind 

If you march ahead with a clear vision because you know where it is you are going 

You know what it is that you are after 

You know what it takes to transform from a gentle lover in to a warrior at the drop of your name from the mouths of monsters you once fed 

Come to me 

If you are free 

In the way I am now 

Dancing in the rain 

Of the storms 

That are initiating my growth 

And guiding my limbs 

And my soul 

Upward toward the sun 

So I can feel warmth where there was once a brutal chill

So I can see light where there once was darkness 

Come to me

So you can see 

The beauty in all storms